I woke up with wild grey hairs in my eyebrows but after a scowl and a pluck they were gone and I really didn’t feel much different. The thing that struck me the most was that the time between 14 and forty goes by so quickly. It seems like yesterday that I was forgoing Saturday morning cartoons to lay in bed and fantasize that I was on white sand beach making love with Jon Bon Jovi. I was fourteen so I knew nothing of love or sex and even in my fantasies it was mostly rolling around on the sand slobbering in each others mouths and telling each other how hot we were and that our hair was fantastic. So technically not much different then my twenties except at twenty I was mature enough to know that sand up your ass is not sexy.
I think the days go quicker the older you get as well. It is almost impossible for me to think all the thoughts I want to think, and take all the naps I want to take and still manage to do all the things I planned on doing the day before but put off until today and now they may have to wait until tomorrow. I plugged my wax in three days ago and have yet to wax my brows so instead I took a pair of Dollarama scissors and cut my bangs off so that they fall across my eyebrows and what is happening there is now a mystery!
My Dollarama scissor haircut that covers up my greying eyebrows
This evening I brought a bottle of wine and a glass to the table. An hour later the wine remained unopened and the glass empty. Never in a million years did I think that wine would be one of those things I “didn’t get around too”
I applied for a job tonight. It’s funny because I wasn’t even looking for a job exactly and then all the sudden my dream job jumped out of the computer screen and landed on my lap seductively and stroked my face. My heart skipped a beat. I knew that technically we were not right for each other. It was a downtown job, I am an uptown girl. It’s champagne and caviar, I’m cheap red wine and Black Diamond cheese. What I am trying to get across is that there will be candidates with better “paper” qualifications then me but in the real world of experience trumps diploma I would kick the ass off this job. If they were smart they would come to my door with gifts of Lindor Chocolate Truffles and Liquor Depot gift certificates and beg me to take this job. It would be an Affair to Remember! So I realize it is a long shot but I put my hat in the race. You can’t lose something you never had so certainly no harm was done. I honestly haven’t felt passionately about a job in a very long time. I have always taken pride in my work but besides my Volunteer work that I am unquestionably committed to and get a great deal of personal reward from I can’t remember the last time I felt like I could imagine myself waking up and doing the same thing everyday. My respect to those of you who have worked hard to achieve your goals and do a job you love everyday, it is rare!
So forty rolled in pretty quietly for me. It was a Wednesday so no all night party, no jaggermeister shots and swinging from the chandelier but it was exactly what I needed. I had a quiet dinner and shared some laughs with a wonderful friend. We then went to the late show to see American Hustle. Ten Academy Award nominations and I kid you not we had the entire theatre to ourselves. We had our shoes kicked off and our feet up. There was a part in the movie when Bradley Cooper and Amy Adams go disco dancing so we got on our feet and had our very own disco party, so fun. I should mention that my friend is 37.5 weeks pregnant and she sure can bust a move.
American Hustle is set in the 70s, the movie is colorful and layered. The characters are complex and beautiful. Hair was big, bras were non-existent and though there really wasn’t any sex, the hint of it was enough and there were a couple of times when I wanted to scream “DO IT!! The movie explored relationships, consequences, ego, heart and the conflict between right and wrong. It was portrayed so eloquently that there were times I struggled in my own mind to decide what was right and what was wrong and was it really so black and white. The movie really studied the rhythms of the characters and showed you what people are capable of when their lives are in shambles. A line at the end of the movie spoken by Christian Bale (who reminded me of my dear Dad back in the 70s) stuck with me….
It’s the last night of my “Dirty Thirties” and I am lying in bed eating a coffee mug full of Ice Cream. The last couple of weeks have been emotionally draining and my initial excitement about turning forty sort of fizzled and died. I am generally a pretty upbeat person who tries to see the good and the lessons in every day problems but there have been a couple of days lately that I had a hard time getting out of my pajamas and I curled up and cried.
I have a fourteen year old daughter.
I could stop here and for some of you another word would not have to be typed without you sighing knowingly and feeling empathy for me…a virtual stranger.
One day the little girl who once looked at me like I was more important than the moon and the stars decided she didn’t like me much. It came out in her words, her actions, her body language and her disrespect. It put a Valley between us, a river of tears and hurt ran through it turning compassion into compulsion. I have always been told that you can only be a parent or a friend, not both! I know my child deserves discipline and boundaries. I know that understanding accountability will make her a better person in the future but every day I miss the little girl who hung on my every word, who thought that the sun shone because of me, that I was responsible for rainbows, cherry flavored jello and all the other good things!
I decided to break the parenting rule, I miss being her friend. I found that it was exactly what we both needed. We needed each other. I found out that my scared little girl who likes to think she is all grown up is feeling the weight of the world on her shoulders. At fourteen she is so worried about figuring out life and worrying about the future that she is miserable right now. I let my hurt fool me into thinking that she didn’t need me when in reality the more she pushed the more she wanted me to love her back! She wants to know that I will love her no matter what and when times are overwhelming will I just listen and not judge. Will I hold her and laugh with her and be happy for her? Will I treat her like a young lady but love her like a little girl.
Our expectations cannot be so great that our children will constantly fear disappointing us. Teenagers feel a lot of pressure in today’s society to be smart, attractive and popular and in turn we as parents want to do our very best to make our little humans into people they are proud of. There comes a time when we need to allow them to learn from their mistakes instead of making them fear taking chances. We need to be quietly encouraging and supportive, even if we don’t always understand. We have to remind them that life will happen, ready or not and they cannot plan their entire life in advance. We need to remind them that the biggest regrets they will have in life are the chances that they never took. They will make mistakes, we need to tell them that we will love them anyway.
The best we can do is help them to fly and let them decide where to go!
If you are a parent you need to watch this video. Sometimes the hardest thing is watching our children grow up but I believe that they will always need us as much as we need them!
Staycation is making me boring, unable to form strong convictions about anything that lasts for more than a fleeting moment and then I am on to the next thing. Things that would regularly annoy me bring little more than a half-hearted sign and things that would normally excite me perhaps a half-smile at best.
Admittedly I am a Facebook user. In fact I use a lot of social media and probably spend a little too much time on my phone flipping through them. I do enjoy keeping up with you and knowing that you are doing well, I am happy when your kids win a game or an award or your significant other brought you flowers. I even OCCASIONALLY think that the picture you took of your lunch looks tasty. I often read the stories you share but though I like to know what is going on in the world I can only handle so much bad. I am the kind of person that can get buried pretty quickly in fear and disillusionment so I prefer your stories of the good that happens in the world, look around you, there is still beauty and goodness all around us. It is all in what we choose to see.
One thing is certain though FACEBOOK has turned us into a bunch of pansy assed passive aggressive whiners!! Now I don’t mean all of you but truthfully you all have that friend that posts the vague status update designed to make their friends ask “Are you alright? to which they reply “I don’t want to talk about it” if they reply at all. YOU FAIL AT FACEBOOK. You should use the phone a friend (or therapist) option.
What about the one who posts statuses complaining about their relationship daily and complaining they are done. Five minutes later they are taking selfies with the hastag #loveofmylife! You can delete the bad things you say from your timeline but you cannot erase it from our minds. You become “that friend”! The one who likes to complain for attention. Find another hobby. If I told Facebook every time my husband pissed me off I hope someone would tell me to grow up. I feel it would be hugely disrespectful to both of us and our relationship.
It is your Facebook though and you can say and do what you want. That is all I have to say about that!
My Take on the Phil Robertson Scandal.
I never caught onto the Duck Dynasty craze as quickly as everyone else but after everyone started talking about it I admit I watched a Marathon on A&E one day and I laughed. My take on the Phil Robertson scandal is really that I don’t have a strong opinion on it either way. For one, I think they are Phil’s opinions as a Redneck Louisiana Christian and his interpretation of the bible. Being as that he is on a reality show and as such keeping it “real” shouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing. On the other hand he does represent the A&E Network and they have every right to decide how his “opinions” affect their branding and if they want to continue their association with him. I think the Duck Dynasty franchise would suffer greatly without Phil though and I admit that I probably interpreted his comments much differently then some of you. I don’t think he was comparing homosexuality to bestiality, I think he was naming sins and those were among them. In his thinking both are sins, not one better or worse than the other…just illogical sins. He also didn’t speak for all Christians, he spoke for himself. I dare say that many Christians would have a similar opinion and some would vary greatly. Perhaps on a different day I would feel differently but today I feel that his opinion doesn’t affect my life and you could say “Why should it? you are clearly not a homosexual!” and you would be correct. However if I am happy with my life and feel like I am living it well and not hurting anyone why would a stranger on TV’s opinion matter to me? I know many happy, well-adjusted Gay and lesbian couples and I am fairly certain that they are enjoying their Saturday night with very little concern for how Phil Robertson views their relationship. I think Katy Perry and John Mayer say it best….”You love who you love….”
OK that will probably get me hate mail but it is just the way I feel….right now at this moment. I was reading some threads on the subject and interestingly Heterosexuals seemed to be very up in arms about it and Homosexuals seemed to take it in stride, even making jokes. Now if Phil Robertson was Jesus Christ almighty or the president or a lawmaker then I would definitely have a stronger opinion but let’s face it he is a god-fearing Louisiana Redneck with an opinion, that is all!
I believe in God. I believe the Bible is years of interpretation (and often misinterpretation) I do not believe Homosexuals are going to hell. I actually give very little thought to hell unless it pertains to people who commit crimes against children and humanity, unspeakable crimes. Homosexuality in my mind is not a crime. I could go on and piss a lot more people off but the truth is my opinion shouldn’t matter to anyone but me and anytime you put God and homosexual in the same sentence you are bound to stir up a heated shit-storm so I am going to back away gracefully! Every one has the right to love and be loved. Love yourself, love god, live a good life and forgive those who do not understand.
I need to get my nine-year old away from the TV. She is watching Dance Moms and it is a terrible show, it will fry her brain. My opinions are my own.
I am almost there. Twelve days and I will be the BIG 4-0. I am not sure what is so big about it but apparently it is a big milestone. My Mom always told me how quick the time would go and as usual she was right! There are several things I intended to do by forty but life got in the way. I decided to make a list of 40 things I intended to do by the time I was forty but haven’t quite gotten around too….YET
1. Write a book (two in the works) It takes lots of time to sift through the swamp of shit in your head to find the scraps of pure gold!
2. Be a C.I.A. Agent. This is one of my most elaborate fantasies. I wanted to be a spy like Jennifer Garner in Alias. It is possible I may actually be a spy because sometimes I think I am dreaming about being a spy and I wake exhausted with unexplained bruises. I hope I am working for the good guys!
3. Take my mom to Graceland (sorry Mom) There was this show when I was young, I think it was called Dreams Come True. I wrote a letter hoping that they would send my parents to Graceland…No Dice!
4. Marry Jon Bon Jovi, admittedly this one was a longshot!
5. Be rich. I am not rich in the way I had planned in actual dollars but I am extremely wealthy in other ways!
6. Went on a Wine Country Tour unless you include the extensive wine section at Liquor Depot.
7. Visited Greece.
8. Visited Ireland.
9. Swam with Dolphins
10. Had a tequila party that I remembered!
11. Rang the mission bell at Hotel California
12. Had beers with Sean Connery
13. Learned to like shrimp eww
14. Drank Crystal from the bottle (or at all)
15. Had an Alien encounter.
16. Completed a thousand pc puzzle without swearing and throwing it in the garbage!
17. Watched E.T. This is just shameless and I really need to do this!
18. Made lemonade out of the lemons life sometimes gives me!
19. Gone to the pizza store to order delivery and get a free ride back to my house!
20. Bought a chocolate fountain.
21. Go out Walkin After Midnight singing Patsy Cline at the top of my lungs!
22. Door to door Christmas Carolling (except my own house)
23. Rock and Roll all night and Party Every day. (THIS IS A BOLD FACED LIE)
24. Prove my Royal Ancestry
25. Befriend the annoying Philly Cream Cheese lady who floats on clouds.
26. Give my bologna a last name.
27. Get myself a mascot called Babs the monkey
28. Played ring around the rosie while I had a pocket full of posies.
29. Given myself a really cool nickname.
30. Gave my arm and leg for something I really wanted.
31. Poked a needle in my eye for lying.
32. Made a mountain out of a mole hill.
33. Learned to fly…cause I ain’t got wings.
34. Dancing on the ceiling!
35. Made my own wine (could be dangerous).
36. Gotten myself caught between the moon and New York City…I know it’s crazy but it’s true!
37. Order and wear a cape that says
“Magnificent One!”
38. Skipped the light fantastic.
39. Wang Chung. (Tonight or any other night)
40. Used the algebra that was so important for me to learn in my daily life.
Ok I started out strong but forty is a lot of things and along the way I started to struggle. Not because there are not a million things I planned to do before 40 but as I was thinking about it they all seemed unimportant compared to what I have done. Being a mom, a wife, reuniting with my son just seems to Trump every “What if”
I can still learn the Argentine Tango in Argentina, I can still pack up my family and move to a simpler life and live off the land, I can still contemplate life along the Cliffs of Moher.
The important thing is that I am happy and I don’t feel that I missed out on anything. I know the best is yet to come! I don’t think of forty as ancient, as the end of the road. I prefer to think of it as a beginning, a right of passage.
I will still see new things with the grace of a child but will embrace hardships with the maturity of a woman.
The end of one journey signifies the beginning of another. “Goodbye Dirty Thirties. We were great friends but I am going to go my own way now. Naughty at forty? Sounds to me that forties is a time to do what makes you happy. No apologies, no regrets”
I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and rang in a rockin New Year with those you love. My Christmas was very quiet, spent just with family. I had a couple of moments where I was very homesick for our family and friends in Nova Scotia, especially upon hearing some bad news from home but when I take a second to reflect I am always reminded of how incredibly blessed I am.
I have been absentee on here throughout the holidays to give my family my full attention. We have basically been hibernating. Late nights, late mornings, lots of movies, board games, card games. A whole bunch of togetherness!! Just the act of providing my family with three meals a day, cleaning up after those meals and laundering my families clothes seems to take up a great deal of time. The sleeping in may sound blissful but truthfully I am just trying desperately to sneak some shut eye in in between fighting for blankets and bed space. With hubby working away most of the time we are both very used to sleeping on our own. Most of the year we spend four solid days together at best and then he is gone for ten. Both of us are very used to our own space. I feel I adapt fairly well and respectfully to the addition of the extra body in my bed but it has been over three weeks now and in the wee hours of the morning while the moon hung low and the sun had not yet kissed the winter sky I woke to shots in the rib. I have no idea what my husband was dreaming of but he was lightly punching me in the ribs. I managed to roll him over but woke awhile later to an elbow in my face. He was spread eagled with his arms behind his head like he was lazily tanning on a beach hammock. He looked so adorably relaxed I settled myself onto a very small fraction of the bed, hugging the side so that I didn’t fall off. I dozed off once again and woke freezing. Hubby had all of the blankets wrapped around him tight and was snuggled in like a mummy. This is how I have been sleeping for weeks, here and there!
I came down the stairs to make coffee the other morning and found soil from my Mandevilla Vine all over the floor. It has started to dry up recently and I caught my cat in getting in it one day right in front of me. Today after seeing the soil all over the floor I inspected the plant to find that my cat has been using it as her personal potty. Unwilling to give up on a living thing I cut out the roots, disposed of the soil and I am soaking the roots to see if I can salvage them! My family thinks I am crazy. On top of this my allergic reactions to my cat are getting more severe so in turn she takes every opportunity to rub up against me and wrap herself around my neck with no regard to my swelled up eyes and congestion.
Our 9 year old Haley has been having Crazy eight tournaments with us in the garage. Her and I can not seem to win but if the mood strikes us we will keep playing till 4 am….NEVER GIVE UP!! I have great memories of playing cards with my parents growing up and I want to share that with my children but so far only Haley is interested. Morgan is fourteen so therefore not very interested in us at all!
We even did some Telus Christmas karaoke over the Holidays. I learned that after a couple of glasses of red wine I can do a pretty good rendition of Patsy Cline. Please note my standards are low and I am tone deaf.
As you can see nothing too exciting is happening and my brain is mash potato mush. I wanted to thank all of you for continuing to stop by during my hiatus and when my Staycation is over I will be back, I promise.
I figure by now most of you have sobered up and decided that your New Years resolutions were little more then drunk talk. I was stone cold sober on NYE so therefore I didn’t make a bunch of grand New Years resolutions. Too much pressure 😉
I am just going to fly by the seat of my pants. Welcome 2014, let’s have a fantastic year together!
Dancing in the rain! 